Field Guide

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By Phil Davies and Taylor Harkey

GOLF’S HARD ENOUGH AS IT IS.

Bunkers, trees, wind, water. Not to mention golf itself. The list goes on. And the last thing you need getting in your way are living, moving, attacking, biting, stinging creatures. But as long as golf is an outdoor sport, the outdoors and everything lurking in it will always be in play. Knowing what to look out for is half the game. As for the rest of golf, good luck with that. 


Animal: Gator

Species: Swampius Chompius

Nickname: "Golfzilla"

Known for: Lurking near the water hazards, waiting for those deliciously cheap golfers who insist on climbing into the water for their $4 Titleist instead of taking the drop. 

Distraction level:  5


Animal: Kookaburra 

Species: Chirpus Almightyus

Nickname: "Seriously WTF"

Known for: Ear-piercingly loud screams at a decibel level just high enough to be detected by humans (mostly Australians) who are mid-birdie putt. Thanks, Kookaburra. 

Distraction level:  4


Animal: Gnat 

Species: Painus Inanus

Nickname: "Invisible Bastards"

Known for: Clumping together in the air right in the middle of the cart path, creating a blanket of bugs as you round the bend, smacking you in the face at roughly 13 mph. 

Distraction level:  5


Animal: Squirrel

Species: Nuttius Crunchius

Nickname: "Country Club Rat"

Known for: Crunching on acorns during your backswing, and no one else’s backswing. Just yours. Always yours. Always with the crunching. 

Distraction level: 3

 

Animal: Snake 

Species: Pantsius Crapius 

Nickname: "The Deadly Worm"

Known for: Providing an added layer of discomfort when searching for your ball in tall grass or heavy woods, making you wonder if dying 19-over-par in polyester pants is how you want to be remembered. 

Distraction level:  4


Animal: Fly 

Species: Buzzius Swattius

Nickname: "Satan’s Baby Bird"

Known for: Landing right on your ball about 4” before your driver makes contact, creating a black spec on your perfectly white ball which causes you to hook, slice, shank, top, whiff or a combination. 

Distraction level:  3

 

Animal: Goose 

Species:  Honkus Honkus

Nickname: "The Moving Target"

Known for: Aggressively charging you on your walk up to the tee box, forcing you to rush your drive and landing you even closer to one of the aforementioned creatures. Thanks, goose. 

Distraction level:  4

Kingsley Spencer